Monday, June 1, 2015

Dates That Make You Say "What Just Happened?!"

          Dates are rarely ever comfortable. Whenever I think of the word "dating" I think of this quote in "Wedding Crashers":

          "Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out ‘cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair."

          I really cannot describe it any better. Every single date is different. All of the ones I have been on as of late, have all been complete and utter failures.

          John: To this day, when I think of him it literally hurts me. There is so much unresolved anger after this guy that for a long time, I had no idea what to do with myself. However, I feel that I handled what happened to me by this guy as good as I possibly could all alone, because I have never come out to anyone about the happenings with John and I. I met him on PlentyofFish.com. He was handsome, funny, kind, and successful with his own construction business, what was not to like? We had gone on a few dates and he asked if I wanted to go to a cookout/pig roast at his friend’s house. I thought it would be fun so I said yes, I would definitely go. He gave me the address to his house where I was to pick him up and go to his friend’s house. I picked him up and we were off. We get to his friends place and they were all SO nice. John and I cuddled and watched fireworks, we had a lot of awesome food; it was so much fun, we had a really good time. I went back to his place and stayed the night. The next day he was supposed to take me somewhere, but I cannot remember where. However, it never happened, he broke plans with me. That’s fine, I'll go back to Bangor and do whatever I would do if I wasn't going to see him that day. I wasn't upset about it. I really fell hard for this guy. He was so sweet and charming. A few days later I get a text from him that I had apparently been seeing someone behind his back. Not only was this not true, but even if it was, we were not in an exclusive relationship and we only had 2 dates. To this day, I still have no idea what he is talking about. To make a long story short, he broke up with me. I was pretty much devastated, but what could I do. I didn’t do anything wrong. A few weeks later I get a text from John. He told me he made a mistake letting me go and that he wanted to come over to make amends. I told him I didn’t know if that was a good idea, and that I did not know if I wanted to be with a guy who would fly off the handle like that. He assured me he wanted to have this conversation in person and that I wouldn’t regret it. Spoiler alert...I regret it...I told John to come over the next day for dinner, and he did. I can even tell you what I made. As I was washing the pot that I had made dinner in, he came up behind me and started to touch me...I told him to stop and that I did not want to do this because I still didn’t know if I wanted to be with him. He did not take no for an answer. He took me to my bedroom and date raped me. I said no so many times, but he just did what he wanted. When he left, I just cried. Thankfully my cat was around at this point to be next to me. I was terrified. This man knew my address now...I didn’t sleep for about 2 days. To this day I still go back to that day and wonder how I did not see it coming. But there is nothing I can do about it now...the past is the past and I cannot let it dictate my future.



          Derek: While this idiot is not as bad as John, Derek gets "asshole of the year" award for this date. I just moved to Massachusetts for my first job out of college. I am new to the area and I found Derek on OkCupid. We had talked for a few days and we decided to meet at a bar just outside of Boston, and about 3 miles to his house. We hit it off when we were getting drinks, and he asked if I wanted to go back to his place to watch a movie and hang out, see if his roommates were around. That should have been my cue to say "no thanks, I should get going..." but I didn’t. I went to his place. He drove to his place and we were watching Black Hawk Down. (One of my favorite movies.) We started making out a little, you know, PG stuff. But then he grabbed my hand and put it on the outside of his crotch. This is when I knew it was just going downhill from here. He let go of my hand and I quickly moved my hand somewhere else. He all of a sudden unzips his pants and whips it out! I’m trying to watch one of my favorite movies and this guy whispers in my ear "suck it"...hum....no!? I just explained to him that I am not one of those girls who gives it up to just anyone and that I do not have sex without monogamy. (Yes, that is my new mantra...I do not have sex without monogamy...let’s just say I haven’t had sex in forever.) He looked at me like I had 5 eyes. That’s when things got awkward. He decided since I wasn't going to give him sex I should probably leave...yup, that’s right. He kicked me out at 9:30pm. He did not drive me to my car, he made me walk. So here I am, middle of who knows where, at 9:30 at night, in a little black dress and sky high heels, walking 3 miles to my car, all alone outside of Boston. I have not seen, or talked to him since. Which is probably a good thing for him because I would probably cut his dick off.

          Hektor: Guys down here in Massachusetts definitely live up to their "masshole" name don't they! Well Hektor is no exception, even though he lives in Portsmouth NH. Hektor is from Sweden but has a work visa for the U.S. I met Hektor on Tinder and he seemed very charming and funny and personable, he was caring and very understanding and he knew I was not looking for sex, I was looking to date and possibly have a relationship with someone. That being said, a few days after we talked on Tinder, we met in Amesbury. We had drinks at a local Irish pub and when went to the park out back of the bar and talked and shared a few intimate kisses...nothing risqué. He was very charming and affectionate. He was really everything I was looking for, so we had a second date. We went to Salisbury beach at night and watched the tide come in, we walked and talked along the beach. It was so romantic, I loved every minute with him. After that night we talked a little but did not see each other again. Why? Because he texted me a week later saying that he needed a rebound because he broke up with his girlfriend the week before him and I met. He now does not need a rebound anymore because he found someone else. Seriously? Why can't you just be honest at the beginning? Do not make me fall for you and then tell me that you just needed to use me to get over someone! So rude.

Joel: One of my few Tinder dates! No wonder it is in this section. Wow, where do I start with this one. We met on Tinder, and he was definitely different than the rest of the guys on there as he was polite and engaging and he was just overall normal and not asking for random sex. After three or four days of talking we decided to go out to eat. I met him up in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. We were supposed to go to Bugaboo Creek in Portsmouth but they had a water main break and therefore the restaurant was closed. So he said to hop into his car and he would drive us down the street to another restaurant that was really good. To this day I do not remember the restaurant name, but it was delicious.  We get to the restaurant and immediately he runs to the bar…without me. So I slowly follow up behind him. Apparently he knew a couple at the bar and wanted to say hi. Well “hi” took 15 minutes, and when they FINALLY asked who I was, he introduced me as his date, and mentioned it was our first date. Usually on a first date, you and the guy sit together and get to know each other and it is personal. Not this date. We sat at the bar with his friends and I learned a lot more about him than I ever wanted to know. But what’s worse, they weren’t even talking to me. I was just overhearing the stories. I was literally ignored for 30 minutes while these three reminisced about the “old times”. Luckily there was a football game on to keep me occupied. If I had my car, I probably would have walked out because it was so rude. When the couple that were initially at the bar left, that’s when my date FINALLY decided to include me in our date. We had a lovely meal and barely talked because I was pissed but I wanted to keep it civil. After dinner and a little talking he drove me back to my car where he decided to inform me that he is a genuine asshole. (face palm) Why would you EVER admit that to a girl you are on a date with!? Do men seriously think that we date assholes on purpose? After that I told him that I could not see him again as what he did on out date (ignoring me to talk to his friends) was unacceptable, and that him admitting and being proud that he is an asshole is a huge red flag. He got pissed and sped off into the night. I haven’t heard from him since. (Not surprising.)

        Jim: I honestly forgot about this guy until four years later; let me explain. I met Jim my junior year of college. We met on Plenty of Fish and we went on a few dates together. He was only in it for the sex, so he said all the right things, and did all the right things to get into my pants. It worked. He got into my pants. After he did that I never heard from him again…ever. Alright…interesting.  Fast forward four years, I am now living in Massachusetts, and have completely forgotten about him and no longer have his number in my phone. A message pops up on my phone while I was at work from a number that is not in my contacts. So I read it and it says “my heart feels better that you’re in good hands.” And under it, there is a picture of a women. I have never seen the woman ever, and I do not know who this person is texting me, so of course I am going to text back! So I text back “me too!” Unfortunately he did not want to play so he was like “sorry wrong Rachel” which creeped me out because I did not have this guy’s number in my phone, but he had my contact and my name. So I knew it had to be a guy I dated. I tried EVERYTHING to get to the bottom of who this guy was. It wasn’t until around lunch time when my sorority sister texted me the name “Jim _______?” (I’ll keep his privacy), and that is when it clicked. I have been thinking of something I could do to fuck with him a little bit now that I have his number and he said he was going to “lose” mine; although he didn’t lose it after 4 years so I don’t believe his bullshit. 

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